How you get (got) to sing the blues

1. All Blues songs must begin with "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is no way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman,
with the ugliest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of:

"Got a good woman with the ugliest face in town.
Yeah, got a good woman with the ugliest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. If you stuck in a ditch,
you stuck in a ditch. Ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars:

Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broke-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or sports cars. Best Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train (blues NEVER go on the northbound train). Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adult" means old enough
to get the 'lectric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or in Canada.
Hard times in Milwaukee or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis and Kansas City are the best places to
have the Blues. You can't have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A bald man ain't the Blues. A bald woman is.
Breaking your leg cause you was skiing ain't the Blues.
Breaking your leg cause a gator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out in the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Best places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:

a. boutiques

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you be old, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

Not if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a pension or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods can't sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also can sing the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other approved Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues end. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to go.
So is the 'lectric chair, a drug overdose, or dying lonely on a broke down cot.
You can't have a Blues death during a tennis match or liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

e. Whiskey Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, Heather,
Scott, Brett, Brandon, Brian, and Shaun can't sing the Blues,
no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Apple, etc.)

c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson,
Cripple Apple Fillmore, etc.

20. No matter how sad your life is,
if you got a computer you can't sing the blues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaPX7761DiI