Lapel flag; Diddy-wa-diddie; At long last; Lee teaches in Harlem with his great fingers; Crows and such

The New Yorker cover illus.

titled 'Driven'

(a cartoon within)

...

A Sunday message

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GBpGrhf2gs;feature=fvwrel

...

...

In good hands,
LELAND
THE SON
is now teaching in New York City -
kindergarten at the renowned charter school
Harlem Village Academies
where he has been identified as a stellar teacher of 
disenfranchised children.

He is shown above leading a fifth grade class in Houston TX, at his first teaching job out of college.  As his two year stint with Teach For America neared completion, he flew to New York
and interviewed with HVA, a charter school that frequently hires outstanding TfA teachers.  HVA was starting their
first elementary school in Harlem.  See his employer on  Good Morning Joe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhdUG8C_cCc
Lee landed and accepted the job which would take him to New York and a
challenging new life chapter.  But first he had a wedding to go to in Wisconsin:

Lee was home at the Odd Fellows in August to visit and attend the wedding of a good friend from UW Madison.
http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/2012/08/brian-doorman-intersections-right-has.html
Lee and his sister Erin were both in Waukesha then.

When Lee sent a picture on Facebook of himself at that wedding wearing the old US Army Counter Intelligence Corps spy tie clip we'd given him because he now wears ties in his teaching, I again noted his long prehensile fingers.  Fortunately, he inherited the stature and grabbing fingers from his mother's side of the family.

We remember when he was out for Junior Blackshirts football in 8th grade,  his coaches called him 'PAWS'
for his talent at catching long-reaching passes as a wide-end receiver. 

Fortunately, Lee's life wasn't endangered by his continuing with football as a high-schooler. He opted instead for playing drums with the Blackshirt marching band, orchestra and jazz ensemble,  under the direction, first, of  famed saxophonist Jamie Beckman, and then the also great director, Guy Kammerer.

Through his now 25 years,  Leland has been digitally, expressively skilled.

Here, he explains to us why he and his sister were so wet, caught in a rainstorm,  after attending a town parade some distance from home.

In his just-started job at HVA Lee is working long hours and is so busy that he has not had the time to write much as yet.  But he will.  We know.

The founder of his school,  Dr. Deborah Kenny - see above video link - has written a best seller book, BORN TO RISE, about the founding of her charter school, an idea funded in part by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.
Lee has his own autographed copy from Dr. Kenny.
It is an impressive story, entirely.
READ THE BOOK!

...

CROWS AND SUCH

A crow scratches around on the skylight overhead our office here in the Odd Fellows.

Another crow walks through seasonable stubble
today in Norblei's blog, Basho's Road
- regularly read here -
See it at http://bashosroad.outlawpoetry.com/dave-etter-alliance-illinois/dave-etter/haiku/

...

LEFT HAND AT 76

Average finger length
blotched rat poison induced
facade
yet mighty, and decorated at the wrist
by the late Uncle Lee's Arizona
sterling silver and turqoise watch band
holding a simple Timex

Able to remain still as its mate
holds its own
shaking the hands of strong women
at church.

(v.Z. 9.27.12)

Photo here of Uncle Lee and nephew Lee play cribbage some years ago.
Had a couple of beers together.
Actually, it was Uncle Lee's second.


For more Uncle Lee, see http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/2009/03/kind-mans-boots-to-fill.html

The Left Hand Speaks

by Alice D’Alessio

Perfect, save for one flawed knuckle, beautifully seamed and creased, I am content to be what I am, the left hand, the second hand, the neglected hand. For I have a secret.

It is true that my neatly fitting skin is turning blotchy now, stretching into ridges and crevices. Yet it does its job so well, wrapping tight the underworkings, the critical bone and tendon, the rivers, streams and estuaries of blood and other juices that keep the fingers active and lubricated. It protects from invasion of those enemies that would enter and do great harm.

After seven decades of flexing and gripping, I am capable and strong, my five digits line up like soldiers for review, from short to tall, and back to short, to my sturdy thumb, altered a bit at the base with a lovely triangular scar. How well they stand at attention.

It’s true my partner, the right hand, gets all the glory. It is the one extended to shake the hands it meets, it picks up the pen and writes, brushes teeth, waves, plays a major role in buttoning, tying, stirring. But behold – on keyboards we are equal! And furthermore, there were glory days, now gone, when I was supreme. When we teased that violin into music, the runs and trills, the haunting melodies – it was I and I alone who found the notes, knew exactly where to press the string – never flat nor sharp – to make the purest sound. All the other one did was saw that bow across and back, across and back. I made the music, created the sweetness of tone with my vibrato. I, the genius twin, blessed with the gift of perfect touch. The other one, purely utilitarian. I rest my case.

(Written by a woman attending a writing class in 2011 on Washington Island, WI taught by Ellison Bay WI author, teacher, publisher, Norbert Blei)

...

Post Script

The new electric stove with the dancing flames
holds forth in this photo taken with our inexpensive
lower crustacean cell camera.  (ATand T Z221)
Note the plastic ziploc-bag of genuine fireplace
ashes the Rev. Leroy brought us
from his REAL fireplace
to scatter around the stove
for added realism.

They lean, in the bag still, against the
whistling tea kettle.  Knowing they're there
is effect enough.

Return of HOT DAMN ! Band; Spider spins in a dewy web; William becomes handsome at 12; Indomitable vine; Etc.

HOT DAMN! BAND RETURNS

TO WAUKESHA FARMERS MARKET

SEPT. 29TH

SEE: http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/2012/07/jingling-bojangles-hot-dam-band-stolen.html

...

Porch Swing in September

by Ted Kooser

The porch swing hangs fixed in a morning sun
that bleaches its gray slats, its flowered cushion
whose flowers have faded, like those of summer,
and a small brown spider has hung out her web
on a line between porch post and chain
so that no one may swing without breaking it.
She is saying it's time that the swinging were done with,
time that the creaking and pinging and popping
that sang through the ceiling were past,
time now for the soft vibrations of moths,
the wasp tapping each board for an entrance,
the cool dewdrops to brush from her work
every morning, one world at a time.

"Porch Swing in September" by Ted Kooser, from Flying at Night. © University of Pittsburgh Press, 2005

...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

A Friend, William

turned 12 yrs old,  9-20-12

automatically became handsome thereupon

 William is the raccoon editor's peanut gallery pew-mate, and sometimes Wis Guthrie's, on Sundays.
9:30 AM, 1st Congregational UCC, 100 E Broadway, Waukesha
( ALL participants welcome!)

...

A climber

By surprise

This morning we noticed the volunteer morning glory vine

Had reached it’s final extension of something to climb upon

- a tacked-up piece of extending twine -

And during the night in its slow-motion writhing

Had extended it’s free self to the maximum

Took a big sideways reach

And found something to continue its upward movement

So characteristic of improviser Judith who gave us

The plant by surprise;

Climbing, ever climbing

It’s indomitable built-in urge to

Rise

And rise…..in Waukesha

...

NEW WARMING DEVICE AT THE ODD FELLOWS

THROWS DEFINED-RADIUS HEAT FOR TOE-WARMING

Simulatingly boils water for steam in our 1950s vintage

whistling tea kettle with brazed spout from cake pan metal.  Genuine whistle at top 

was once a childhood toy.  Now, 2nd childhood.  ( Perpetual.)

Some friends have gone out to Menard's and invested

in one of these $79.99 heaters.  Joe did.  Uncle Norm did.

http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/search?q=Uncle+Norm

The brand is Chimney-Free.

Operates safely on regular house current.

...

Joe Beringer at The cup recently.

David Dix sr, coffee-sipper with Joe, raccoon editor, pictured on William Redding's 12th birthday, 9.20.12

The readers of the SRN, mostly family, repeatedly ask for pictures of how we are now.

Here, we huddle before our electric stove, toasty. on a chilly morning in the Odd Fellows lodge hall

where we live and work.

We are wearing a Salvation Army blanket that was left on our bed in the nursing home where we recovered from our surgery. (2005) Learning how to walk again, use silverware, go to the bathroom on our own, many etcs.  We were incapacitated for almost a full year.
http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/search?q=silence

That blanket has become something of an icon for us now.  It is secured by a pin-on compass

which we use regularly to keep our bearings, physically and Boy Scout morally straight. (Except we have no rigidities about LGBT's.)

The red T-shirt has an iron-on much washed and faded image of us, carrying in our then recently-deceased mother's dog, Duffy.  He was blind and incontinent but Mom's dying wish was to take care of Duffy, which we did for over a year until he just had to be put down.  Poor little guy........TIME, something to be reckoned with.

...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Romney fans.

Not really knowing what a Romney fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny...

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... Again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Romney fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Romney?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Liberal."

The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Romney fan."

(Sent by Rev. Dr. Thomas Bentz, now serving an interim in New Jersey)

...

Wisdom from an old Jewish man

Ahhhhh!! the wisdom of the ages.

. 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?" 
"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked:  "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a  wall."

Small potatoes; Not having a 3rd hand when you need it is No Vise; Friede! (Beethoven's 9th)

SMALL POTATOES

These one-to-two inch organic fingerling potatoes came from the farmers market last Saturday.  Bringing
them home, we put them in the late Duffie Bruning's relish dish.

They are really small, but tasty.

OTHER SMALL POTATOES

Cut-outs of Romney and Ryan leaned against the fence leading to the Love Memorial Bridge across the Fox river

into the farmers market.  We didn't buy any of that, and found these small potatoes

really bland.  Some shoppers clamored to have their pictures taken with the figures.

Others walked by in ho-hum disgust.  We'll see how it all comes out.

...

Son David wrestled our big vise in storage at his place up to our loft office, where it found immediate use. 

A fast but old pencil sharpener saved from the former days was held securely while a bucket of craft pencils were brought to  quick points for a church project Dee had.  The children sharpened many a Hadfield school pencil on that old but still working machine.

Not wanting to add screw marks to the Odd Fellows unit, the vise worked well.  We had to be careful with ir or we could have crushed the soft metal sharpener base.  IT IS POWERFUL!

Over many years lots of weathervanes and other things were brought to completion from raw, junkyard steel in the 517 garage.

The vise stands on a large heavy tire rim and is held at working level by scrap angle-iron we welded securely.

Here, a canoe paddle we decorated with the Alaska flag emblem,

the Big Dipper constellation, is touched up and adds another vertical visual in our 18 ft high dwelling.

Festoon Fox still stands guard, C-clamped to the loft edge.  The carpet is protected by a sheet of HD plastic.

The old vise stood the test of time and heavy-duty usage, receiving at times glancing blows of 2600 degree C
cutting gas from our torch.  It withstood all.  Holding a pencil sharpener does not pay it suitable honor.
But we are using it.  Soon I will straighten a metal soup spoon with a bent edge.

There is a small anvil on the end of the vise.

...

John Helt sends a 9-11 balm

and we are moved to tears.

The Raccoon is reminded of the cellist who took his chair to the Sarajevo Bosnian

town square during the artillery and bombardment.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vedran_Smailovi%C4%87

The artists, musicians of the world

will keep the faith,

FOR EVERMORE!

Helt's salve rec'd 9-11-12:

PLAY 
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=GBaHPND2QJg&feature=youtu.be

TO PLAY THE FULL 9TH:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCqOHFvO3po&feature=related



Chorus: FRIEDEN!
           FRIEDEN!!
              FRIEDEN!!!
                                    
...

Life regenerates itself

in the  concentric rings 

at the Ridges Sanctuary

Bailey Harbor, Door Co., WI

A tamarack sprig arises

from mossy log

that fell across a spring.

Not so petty: Sandy D'Amato's Chinese Lacquer Squabble; Brian revisited; A Vine Grows In Waukesha, portents thereof

Last week we discussed the pigeons we've noticed

on our windowsill here at the Odd fellows Lodge.

Dee in perpetual waste-not want-not mode

prevailed upon me to snatch a couple birds

using a quickly unfolding window screen insert -

(see below).

So, we've enjoyed a squab recipe

at our dinner table to our great 

lower crustacean delight:

We tried famed Milw. Chef Sandy D'Amato's

Chinese Lacquered Squab

- recipe is on the internet -

http://www.jsonline.com/features/recipes/73816322.html.

We enjoyed the squabs' piquancy 

so much that we have begun

laying in a store of the snared 

 birdseed-eating pigeons

 for harder times.

We find the ready availability

of Putneyed Wild Game pigeons yet another

blessing of living in lintel-

fluttering downtown Waukesha,

where all may eat, whether it be 

window-sill pigeons,

 The New Hope meal program,

Dave's Cafe, Dady-Oh's

or The Rotunda.

As you may find them,

try downtown squabbles soon.

...

Next,

THE PREVIOUSLY-MENTIONED BRIAN

MOVES OUT OF THE ODD FELLOWS LODGE

WITH THE HELP OF A FRIEND

WHO’S NAME WE DIDN’T GET

BUT SHOULD HAVE

ADVENTURES WERE HAD WITH BRIAN

A REAL ODD FELLOW

BY OUR LIGHTS;

HE’S BOUGHT A SMALL CONDO

NOT FAR AWAY ON DISABILITY FUNDS

HE GETS FOR BI-POLAR & ETC;

DEE AND I WISHED HIM WELL

IN A NOTE SCRAWLED ON ELEPHANT

PAPER SLID UNDER HIS DOOR SAYING

ALL WE KNEW OF HIM

WAS THAT HE WAS KIND AND GENEROUS

WHICH IS ALL WE NEEDED TO KNOW;

AND NOW HE SAYS

HE’S GOING TO INVITE US

TO DINNER AT HIS NEW PLACE

AND WHEN WE GO

WE MIGHT BRING THE STRIDER,

KEN, ANOTHER ODD FELLOW;

MUTUAL, UBER-ALLES FRIENDS.

  

...

Next,

OBAMA AT FARMERS MARKET

Another Odd Fellows resident, Sam, heads up the Democratic

headquarters on Clinton Street in downtown Waukesha.

He lives right next door to us on the 3rd floor.

He was having no trouble signing up volunteers

in erstwhile Conservative Waukesha
 when spied last Saturday.

Sam, like Brian, is a temporary resident at the Odd Fellows

scheduled to depart upon the re-election of the man

 standing next to him to whom he defferentially points.

Behind Barack is the red sign (restored) of Friedman's

Clothing store.  Another Sam, that was.  Sam Friedman.

When I pass by that building, now housing other people and ventures,

I remember when my dad lived on the third floor there, 

after WW II, following his separation from my mother. 

 It was an indelible marriage casualty of that war,

This was 1945-46, and I remember the scary

Nazi souvenirs Dad had accessorizing the place. He'd painted

the walls red, with black appointments.

The Avon Theater (the Bucket of Blood)
just a block down the street
had only a year earlier featured newsreels
depicting Hitlerian horrors.

We've lived to have seen both those 1940s times
and now in 2012, the downtown
 effigy of Barack Obama at a farmers market
all within walking distance,within sight, of
our address.

Imagine the mental state of those who fight in wars.
My surmise is that Dad came home with a trove of banners, knives,   a Lugar,
Goehring souvenirs AND ETC,
just to prove for all time that he had actually seen
and done all that.

I still have the letter opener he gave me.
http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/2011/09/langweile-ich-sie-ingesamt.html

...

Next, 

Raccoon News editor re-reads 1943 novel, A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN.

Attn:  New York readers Lee Dix, Jeffrey Means

Former Federal prisoner, School of The Americas protestor Judith Williams, peace activist, operator of the Waukesha catholic worker house,
gave Dee an aloe shoot she'd culled from a larger cactus plant.  We'v e always loved cacti for reasons we've considered obvious.  Judith dug some dirt from a flower bed in back of her mission house for the young offshoot.

That dirt, unbeknownst to Judith, and us, contained a Morning Glory seed.  As we watered the aloe we were also watering the MG seed, and it soon came up alongside the aloe.

It was allowed to grow, too.  It began to spiral in the air, seeking purchase on which to climb to do its viney thing.  It grabbed some chives strands and quickly wrapped itself upward, counter-clockwise, and in a day or two it was reaching up into void space again.

We thumb-tacked a length of copper wire we had in the desk drawer.  The plant wound around that in due course and was soon reaching for more of something to grow onto.

So we put a length of green twine above the copper wire.

It is presently going up that.

In the spirit of live and let live we watch what this plant will eventually do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0LZ2R2zW2Yc


...

Closing photo taken with the l. crustacean cell
just prior to retiring....... 

Curiosity has landed; Different Worlds; The Messenger; Ceilito Lindo; Trouble With Math; Airborne Blessings; Etc.

ON MARS

A monumental must-see:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9hXqzkH7YA

...

DIFFERENT WORLDS

PLAY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOmnBclVBBI

...

THE MESSENGER
PLAY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqeyvKQKEq0&feature=related
...

CEILITO LINDO
PLAY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34Lg8QWElEk&feature=related

...

Trouble with Math in a One-Room Country School

by Jane Kenyon

The others bent their heads and started in.
Confused, I asked my neighbor
to explain—a sturdy, bright-cheeked girl
who brought raw milk to school from her family's
herd of Holsteins. Ann had a blue bookmark,
and on it Christ revealed his beating heart,
holding the flesh back with His wounded hand.
Ann understood division. ...

Miss Moran sprang from her monumental desk
and led me roughly through the class
without a word. My shame was radical
as she propelled me past the cloakroom
to the furnace closet, where only the boys
were put, only the older ones at that.
The door swung briskly shut.

The warmth, the gloom, the smell
of sweeping compound clinging to the broom
soothed me. I found a bucket, turned it
upside down, and sat, hugging my knees.
I hummed a theme from Haydn that I knew
from my piano lessons ...
and hardened my heart against authority.
And then I heard her steps, her fingers
on the latch. She led me, blinking
and changed, back to the class.

"Trouble with Math in a One-Room Country School" by Jane Kenyon, from Collected Poems. © Graywolf Press, 2005

...

Taken through a window screen, up close:
A pigeon has been appearing for the past few days on our window sill.  Person or persons unknown attached a red bracelet on its ankle.  It bears no inscription, no identifying marks.

The bird
a pigeon or a dove
descends from the sky
when the light is right
in a blaze of white

Could the band bear
tiny letters on the inside?
Could they be
WWJD?

...

Yet another example of Chinese know-how:

play: 
http://bbs.wenxuecity.com/cooking/1160651.html

(Sent by John Marotta, a common Waukesha man.
Barack Hussein Obama-rama; should have shown us this!)
...

How They Look Now Dep't

CINDY AND JOHN HELT LET THEIR HAIR DOWN RECENTLY IN DOOR COUNTY

...

How two others looked then:
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW DEP'T

ERIN, LAWRENCE U. ARCHiVIST, PRACTICED HER PIANO LESSONS IN DRAFTY HOUSE
WHILE BROTHER LEE DID HIS PESKY THING.
HE NOW TEACHES KINDERGARTNERS AT
 HARLEM VILLAGE ACADEMIES (A CHARTER SCHOOL, SEE INTERNET).


...

PAT DEAN 
May 4, 1939  - Aug. 17, 2012
left us

Pat, member of 1st Congregational UCC in the later years of life, was  literally a tireless worker at the Hope Center meal program on our nights to serve meals to the homeless, and at church functions such as the Pancake Supper, wherever she was needed.  She did what she could, cheerfully.

Pat brought her great-grand-daughter Kaylee to church so Kaylee could  

participate in the Sunday School experience.  Arrangements are underway to continue her attendance. Here, Kaylee is petting Sharon Vallee's

adopted 3-legged puppy on a Sunday when Sharon went home before coffee hour to get Dolly the Dog to meet the children. (And this editor + others.)

Pat will be missed, especially by the Thurday morning Bible Study group, where, for a time,

she met Cindy Helt, pictured above.  Through the Congo, many things were and are connected.

Last night, Friday, Dee baked Pat Dean's famous Italian Cream Cake for her family farewell upcoming.  It rests this morning in the refrigerator at the Odd Fellows for the cream cheese frosting to firm up prior to transport. Pat shared this much-enjoyed cake and recipe with the Bible Study folks.

Note Pat's hand-written  instruction:  "DON'T SCRIMP ON THE FROSTING."

Pat departed this coil on the very same day as another beloved member of the Congregational church left.

Also a member of the Bible Study group, Duffie Hall Bruning passed on, hours from Pat.

It is believed that animated discussions of things religious and otherwise continue, somewhere beyond.

...

Duffie

Sept. 4, 1921 - Aug. 17, 2012

The raccoon covered her 90th birthday surprise party at son John's home last year.

See:  http://raccoonnews.blogspot.com/2011/09/old-for-horse.html

...

HOW TO SUSPEND A BEACH UMBRELLA
OVER A BED WITHOUT POUNDING
A LOT OF HARDWARE IN WALLS TO DO IT:

What we did:

Strung a clothesline
to hold big umbrella
 above head of bed
 shielding  eyes from glare of skylight high above;
put one end of rope over top rung
 of free-standing stepladder (no nails);
counter-weighted that end of clothesline
with an old hand sledge hammer
to allow narrow angle of ladder-lean
to prevent ladder tipping over into the room;
tied other end onto a C-clamp screwed onto
a shelf board resting on loft stair landing ledge 
(again no nails);
the resting shelf is secured only on the
right end, with one small but firm screw hole neatly drilled.

THIS COULD BE PART OF THE REASON OUR LANDLORDS LIKE US........
(THE WELDED SHELF BRACKET WAS MADE LONG AGO FOR ANOTHER DWELLING
AND IT RESEMBLES A PALM TREE, SO IT RELATES TO THE GARDEN CENTER
WE'VE MADE THE LANDING INTO.

...............................................



Republicans
don't read
below here:

Pin the tail on the elephant

View Across the Street
from the Odd Fellows

...

New York Times Op-Ed Columnist 

The Real Romney

By DAVID BROOKS

(Note: Yes, Conservative David Brooks did write this)

Published: August 27, 2012 

The purpose of the Republican convention is to introduce America to the real Mitt Romney. Fortunately, I have spent hours researching this subject. I can provide you with the definitive biography and a unique look into the Byronic soul of the Republican nominee:

Mitt Romney was born on March 12, 1947, in Ohio, Florida, Michigan, Virginia and several other swing states. He emerged, hair first, believing in America, and especially its national parks. He was given the name Mitt, after the Roman god of mutual funds, and launched into the world with the lofty expectation that he would someday become the Arrow shirt man.

Romney was a precocious and gifted child. He uttered his first words (“I like to fire people”) at age 14 months, made his first gaffe at 15 months and purchased his first nursery school at 24 months. The school, highly leveraged, went under, but Romney made 24 million Jujubes on the deal.

Mitt grew up in a modest family. His father had an auto body shop called the American Motors Corporation, and his mother owned a small piece of land, Brazil. He had several boyhood friends, many of whom owned Nascar franchises, and excelled at school, where his fourth-grade project, “Inspiring Actuaries I Have Known,” was widely admired.

The Romneys had a special family tradition. The most cherished member got to spend road trips on the roof of the car. Mitt spent many happy hours up there, applying face lotion to combat windburn.

The teenage years were more turbulent. He was sent to a private school, where he was saddened to find there are people in America who summer where they winter. He developed a lifelong concern for the second homeless, and organized bake sales with proceeds going to the moderately rich.

Some people say he retreated into himself during these years. He had a pet rock, which ran away from home because it was starved of affection. He bought a mood ring, but it remained permanently transparent. His ability to turn wine into water detracted from his popularity at parties.

There was, frankly, a period of wandering. After hearing Lou Reed’s “Walk on the Wild Side,” Romney decided to leave Mormonism and become Amish. He left the Amish faith because of its ban on hair product, and bounced around before settling back in college. There, he majored in music, rendering Mozart’s entire oeuvre in PowerPoint.

His love affair with Ann Davies, the most impressive part of his life, restored his equilibrium. Always respectful, Mitt and Ann decided to elope with their parents. They went on a trip to Israel, where they tried and failed to introduce the concept of reticence. Romney also went on a mission to France. He spent two years knocking on doors, failing to win a single convert. This was a feat he would replicate during his 2008 presidential bid.

After his mission, he attended Harvard, studying business, law, classics and philosophy, though intellectually his first love was always tax avoidance. After Harvard, he took his jawline to Bain Consulting, a firm with very smart people with excessive personal hygiene. While at Bain, he helped rescue many outstanding companies, like Pan Am, Eastern Airlines, Atari and DeLorean.

Romney was extremely detail oriented in his business life. He once canceled a corporate retreat at which Abba had been hired to play, saying he found the band’s music “too angry.”

Romney is also a passionately devoted family man. After streamlining his wife’s pregnancies down to six months each, Mitt helped Ann raise five perfect sons — Bip, Chip, Rip, Skip and Dip — who married identically tanned wives. Some have said that Romney’s lifestyle is overly privileged, pointing to the fact that he has an elevator for his cars in the garage of his San Diego home. This is not entirely fair. Romney owns many homes without garage elevators and the cars have to take the stairs.

After a successful stint at Bain, Romney was lured away to run the Winter Olympics, the second most Caucasian institution on earth, after the G.O.P. He then decided to run for governor of Massachusetts. His campaign slogan, “Vote Romney: More Impressive Than You’ll Ever Be,” was not a hit, but Romney won the race anyway on an environmental platform, promising to make the state safe for steeplechase.

After his governorship, Romney suffered through a midlife crisis, during which he became a social conservative. This prepared the way for his presidential run. He barely won the 2012 Republican primaries after a grueling nine-month campaign, running unopposed. At the convention, where his Secret Service nickname is Mannequin, Romney will talk about his real-life record: successful business leader, superb family man, effective governor, devoted community leader and prudent decision-maker. If elected, he promises to bring all Americans together and make them feel inferior.
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