WAUKESHA SEWER RACCOON NEWS

Hemingway's in The New Yorker This Week

I was reading aloud to my family, a previously
unpublished short story by Earnest Hemingway
in the current issue of The New Yorker,
and I noticed our cat was listening intently
to the article which was about Papa and Mary's
lion-hunting in Africa; specifically, about
a particular dark-haired huge-headed lion
that had been plaguing the native populace.

As I read the great white hunter's descriptions
of the giant cat, Mona's pupils dilated more and
more, and pretty soon she was up on my lap
to see the picture of the charging beast that
accompanied the story, and after she'd looked
at it awhile she stopped me in mid-sentence
saying she wanted me to make her a mane
like the one in the picture.

I said, "No Mona, only male lions have
manes." She said she didn't care, she still
really wanted one so we discussed it as any
family that loves its pet would and decided
to take some hair saved from when one of
the women had a seriously shortened trim
and get some wig netting and actually devise
a mane for Mona that would be kept on

by a rubber band under her chin, but I warned
her she would struggle and struggle to get it off,
the same way she does when we attach other
devices to her body like twisties to her tail
and clip-on earrings. Mona said she promised
not to try to get the mane off if we took time to
make one for her, so we said we would,
although we were secretly winking at each other

and trying not to laugh, but by golly, fashion it
we did and Mona hasn't taken it off yet in three days.
It's been a little hard on us when she charges
us by surprise and I think her voice has dropped
an octave; she practices roars and postures in
front of the hall mirror. The hair of the mane could be
a little shorter. It drags on the floor when she
walks but she won't let us touch it, and she means it.

She still eats her kibbles but much prefers
insect prey, only supplementing her diet with
the dry cat food, but she is wearying of hunting
and somehow found out that maned lions get to hang out
and sleep a lot while their mates do the hunting,
so tonight she informed us she needs a male cat
partner to provide that mundane service for her.

I looked under her cushion and found a Gloria Steinem book.

[David Dix]