Raccoon king pays another visit......

The raccoon king appeared here at the sewer raccoon headquarters this mornng to pay another visit. He came again with his guide because, as we said, the king is old and blind. We supped on raccoon crackers - in a disguised Ritz box - and Point Root Beer.

Evidently the king has taken a shine to us. He, or his subterranean minion(s), is keeping a file on the Sewer Raccoon News. He says he enjoys having it read to him. We have, he says, proven ourselves trustworthy, and may consider ourselves honorary raccoons.

I was impressed by his regal cloak, or cape, and by his crown (above) that he says necessarily distinguishes him from the milling multitudes of sewer raccoons who congregate in the central hall, or throne room, situated, as it is, beneath the downtown post office. Above ground, the historic building has been converted into a luxurious circular relique, a lustrous meeting place for Waukesha's royalty.

It gives the king no small peace of mind, he said with a wink, to know he has directed the network of underground runways to converge like spokes into a grand hub beneath the investors' "Rotunda" - gathering place for conservatives & Republicans - while, unbeknownst to the revelers above, the refuge-seeking, liberal-thinking raccoons have the whole above-ground palace only kept from caving in (from the coons' honeycombed tunneling) because of the leftist's vertical shoring timbers.

Across the above-ground street is the office and printing plant of Waukesha's conservative daily newspaper, The Freeman. His Majesty told me of the raids of newspaper boxes under cover of darkness by shadowy raccoons armed with found quarters to remove as many Freemans as they can. In this way they follow the king's directive to tear out the nasty columns by Ann Coulter and Mark Belling and cut them up into strips for bathroom use.

The king had brought along a clipping of a Freeman article, displayed above, about the shooting of area raccoons, calling them "RODENTS."

"What a terrible travesty!' exclaimed His Majesty.

"Don't worry, we've already addressed that," we assured him.

Our conversation turned to politics. Beckoning to his guide he bade a flat portfolio to be brought forward, from which he withdrew two additional tracts which he thought, rightly, we would enjoy.

No. 1:

Op-Ed Contributor
Carolina, Out of Its Mind
By ALLAN GURGANUS
Published: May 1, 2008
With just days to go before the Indiana and North Carolina primaries, the Op-Ed page asked writers from each state to report on the race. Here are their first dispatches.

Hillsborough, N.C.
AS a kid I loved horror movies starring not one but two familiar monsters, “King Kong vs. Godzilla.” A double Saturday matinee for the price of one.
But now the last two standing Democratic titans come lumbering into North Carolina’s late primary. Help! Smarter villagers tend to run. No wonder most Republicans lurk indoors. They’re hoping that the chafing superpowers of Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama will prove self-canceling. I’m terrified they’re right.
Couldn’t one of these left-leaning giants retreat to a cave till our next election cycle? Why, at a time so dire, do they both seem focused solely on their own images, not on our bleeding nation?
North Carolina prides itself, if silently, on modesty. Rich people here spend a fortune hiding their good fortune. Our primary comes very late: we’d really rather agree than decide. This year, we find ourselves blitzed with TV ads, glutted with rallies, stuck by stickers. We, the season’s largest remaining bloc of tie-breaking votes, begin to feel like those unlucky citizens caught riding the elevated train bound straight into King Kong-Godzilla’s center-city battle.
As a lifelong Democrat, I find myself asking: What crossed stars ordained that our party alone should alternate a drought of candidates with this year’s tidal flood of them? I liked Joe Biden. But let us praise sudden excess. There’s something wondrous in life’s going abruptly abundant. Especially after our eight years of sustained near-death experience.
The air has gone out of American buoyancy. Our houses have stopped selling, even to New Jersey retirees. Our economy is dying of its own flagrant usuries. North Carolina’s soldiers return home impaired, suicidal, strangers to their loved ones. One day, Baghdad — next, Wal-Mart. “Military mental health services?” A contradiction in terms.
Our popular village postman joined the Army Reserve. He has been missing in action from our local lives, his route a wake, his charm and knowledge irreplaceable. The difference between knowing one candid soldier in Iraq and none at all? That’s the difference between registering Democratic or Republican.
There is, out here in small-town America, a deep wish to do the right thing. With that comes bitter confusion about which right thing we must cling to next: Our God? Our guns? One another? Since North Carolina has early-voting-centers, most people I know have already cast their ballots. Actual issues are now beside the point; emotions reign. We all feel a sickening urgency to choose one cure.
I heard this story from a poll watcher in another town. It may be village lore but bears repeating. One old man keeps turning up at the voting center. A carefully dressed widower with lots of time, he has early Alzheimer’s but a strong memory of civic pride. He senses the importance of this election. He daily tries to cast his vote. Friendly locals go through the motion of looking up his name, likely saying, “No, you voted two weeks back. Well done, sir. Rest easy.”
But, in this emergency, is that possible? Like the gent in his Sunday suit, wouldn’t we all vote hourly, if only we could help? Let the cure come. But, Lord? Soon, send our cure soon.
Allan Gurganus is the author of “The Practical Heart: Four Novellas.”

And, number two:

George Bush's job application:

I will be available in January 2009, am willing to relocate. GEORGE W. BUSH 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE: Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available. Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam. College:I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS : I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union . During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America . I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida , and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States , after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT: I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of theU.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of anyadministration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire, " Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton againstinvestigation or prosecution. More time and money was spentinvestigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spentinvestigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. Ipresided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history. I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war"detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election)I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide tosimultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind. I am the first President in U.S. history to order anunprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families i n wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

The King thanked us for the crackers and root beer, and said he had to get back down into the sewer.

"Why do you think we live underground?" he asked.

"As long as George Bush is president, we don't want to show our faces!"

We said good-bye with a smile, and remarked, "This could be the start of a beautiful friendhip!"