A finger in the phone

for Gertie

In the 70's I drove a Yellow cab. At that time, my cab number was 202, and my best friend was driving 206. He and I often met for breakfast in a small cafe on East Ogden street. There was a regular customer who frequented the restaurant named Gertie. We never found out much about her, but we thought she was from the neighborhood, maybe from a walk-up apartment above one of the stores lining the block.

Gertie was chubby, elderly, and always wore non-descript clothes; house dresses, with a cotton apron tied around her. She had a great habit of always checking the pay phone for coins. She did this every time we were in there. 206 and I would see her coming through the plate glass window and know her first move on entering the cafe would be to root around in the coin return slot, for luck. Expressionless. Perfunctory follow-through before taking a stool at the counter.

One day 206 and I had the idea of sticking a whole dollar bill in the coin slot for Gertie to find. We did it like casting a fat worm into a pond. Having lined the phone with a buck we waited for Gertie. Show she did, and went right over, per her custom, to stick a finger in the phone.

Gertie wasn't playing with a full deck, and was obviously not well-off. This dollar would be seen by her as a pot of gold bullion at the end of her rainbow, while to us well-off, tip-earning cabdrivers, it was nothing.

We sat at the counter in our usual places and watched Gertie in the mirror behind the counter as she plumbed the phone. The look on her face I'll never forget, and I know 206 won't, either, because we still reminisce about it.

We talk on the phone, he from CA and me from WI, often. 206 was driving cab to save money to go back to Nepal to make a documentary film on the Dolpo tribe, a high-altitude Himalayan society then only recently known to the western world. He'd been there scouting, once before. (The film was later shown successfully, on PBS.)

Gertie immediately struck pay-dirt with the dollar, which she received in this way: Looking furtively left and right over her hovering shoulders, hunching to protect her good fortune, Gertie tried to look regular as she quickly pocketed the dollar in her apron. She had an expression of a cat that swallowed the canary, trying so hard to appear as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary, but she didn't have the face for it.

206 and I never fessed-up to her, and after exchanging smiles went on eating our bacon and eggs. I think we laced that phone a few more times for Gertie. Those dollars were nothing to us, because we were rich.

This anecdote came to mind when another friend sent me the following on Email today:

Thank Heaven, 2007 is in the Tank:
The Year's Worst Bets on the Net - I must thank whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return in pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Ta rget since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. this afternoon, and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.

Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.